I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I'm not actually pregnant.
It's only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" is a hit reality show.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I'm not good in bed.
It's been 4 years to the day that I threw that boomerang. I still find myself looking over my shoulder and living in fear.
I call smoking sections Coughy Shops.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.
Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..
Anger is just passion having a bad hair day.
If you think you are unattractive just remember you look like your ancestors and hey all of them got laid
There are no bad pictures. That's just how your face looks sometimes.
This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
I don't need pepper spray to stop a robber, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Balloons are so weird. "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."
You'll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
I finally found a diet plan that works! It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
I admire the commitment of girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? What if you find a penny?
I can't tell if I actually have free time, or if I'm just forgetting everything...
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die on Wednesday.
Just when I think I'm over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
You've got to love yourself. But not in public places.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
Duct tape doesn't fix stupidity, but it definitely muffles the sound.
I finally gave my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy. Apparently it doesn't count if they are years apart.
Someone complimented my summer tan today and I was too embarrassed to tell them, "At this age, it's my liver spots connecting."
I'M GOING TO BE ADDING MORE OF THESE AS I GO ALONG...SO KEEP CHECKING FOR NEW UPDATES.
It's only a matter of time until "Security cameras of Wal-Mart" is a hit reality show.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I'm not good in bed.
It's been 4 years to the day that I threw that boomerang. I still find myself looking over my shoulder and living in fear.
I call smoking sections Coughy Shops.
I will probably die as a result of being sarcastic to the wrong person at the wrong time.
The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.
Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..
Anger is just passion having a bad hair day.
If you think you are unattractive just remember you look like your ancestors and hey all of them got laid
There are no bad pictures. That's just how your face looks sometimes.
This vodka tastes a lot like I'm not going into work tomorrow.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
I don't need pepper spray to stop a robber, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, “Don’t listen to that guy. He’s drunk.”
I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Balloons are so weird. "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."
You'll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.
I finally found a diet plan that works! It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
I admire the commitment of girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? What if you find a penny?
I can't tell if I actually have free time, or if I'm just forgetting everything...
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die on Wednesday.
Just when I think I'm over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
You've got to love yourself. But not in public places.
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
Duct tape doesn't fix stupidity, but it definitely muffles the sound.
I finally gave my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy. Apparently it doesn't count if they are years apart.
Someone complimented my summer tan today and I was too embarrassed to tell them, "At this age, it's my liver spots connecting."
I'M GOING TO BE ADDING MORE OF THESE AS I GO ALONG...SO KEEP CHECKING FOR NEW UPDATES.
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