I have just about everything going for me!
So don't you go losing me!!
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
My mind says I'm in my twenties
My mind says I'm in my twenties, but my body says...
"Yeah! You wish!"
Diet Diary
The following is a diary extract from a friend of mine (Lorna - sorry, I said I wouldn't) who gained weight during December's festivities and now needs to work it off so as to get into her clothes.
Also all those of you out there joining fitness classes and clubs as a New Year resolution should, perhaps, read this first:
As a Christmas present this year, my daughter, Cresley [what a thoughtful darling] bought for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in reasonable shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Juan Antonio [ooh what a name] who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Juan Antonio waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god: he has curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Yippee!
Juan Antonio gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Juan Antonio [call me Tony by now] was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my stomach was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FABULOUS week! My New Year resolutions will be easy.
Tuesday
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tony made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Later he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tony's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Tony was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tony put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Tony told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other garbage too.
Thursday
Tony was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. That man then took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent a skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday
I hate that man, Toady or whatever his name is, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. He is a stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bighead. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Toady wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the flippin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday
That person, that Toady, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday
I'm having the Church bus collect me up so I can go to services today and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Cresley [the cruel, whingeing creep] will choose a gift for me that is fun: like root canal treatment or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
Friday
I hate that man, Toady or whatever his name is, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. He is a stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bighead. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Toady wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the flippin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday
That person, that Toady, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday
I'm having the Church bus collect me up so I can go to services today and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter Cresley [the cruel, whingeing creep] will choose a gift for me that is fun: like root canal treatment or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
The difference between a man and woman taking a shower.
Take off clothing and place it
carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to
bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up
any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc. Get
in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice
stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your
hair with grapefruit and mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed
apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until totally red. Wash entire rest
of body with ginger nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off
hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off
all wet surfaces in shower. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size
of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to
bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way,
shake your knob at her making a 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly
physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your knob and then scratch
your arse. Get in the shower. Wash your face then wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse the snot off. Fart
loudly and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of
time washing knob and bollocks. Wash your arse whilst leaving plenty of
pubes stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a shampoo 'Mohawk'. Have a
pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to
notice the water on floor because the shower curtain was hanging out of
cubicle the whole time. Admire your knob size in mirror again. Return to
bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass the wife, pull off towel,
shake your knob at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet
towel on bed. The End.
Look Confident!
If you look confident, you can pull anything off, even if you have no clue what you are doing!
Annoying people!
Some people can just be so annoying!!
They just don't take the hint!
And just as you think they are rid of them there they are, back in your life once again!
A little bit crazy
I'm a little bit crazy and slightly insane, you'll never meet anyone quite like me again
Don't worry about what other people think of you
Don't
care about what other people think of you. There will always be those
people who want to see you fail because they can't succeed.
Border Collie property laws
1/ If I like it, it's mine.
2/ If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3/ If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
4/ If I can take it from you, it's mine.
5/ If it's mine it must never appear
to be yours.
6/ If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
7/ If I saw it first, it's mine.
8/ If it's edible, it's mine.
9/ If you have something and put
it down, it's mine.
10/ If I chew something up,
all the pieces are mine.
11/ If I get tired of it, it's yours.
12/ If I want it back, it's mine.
A Dog's Prayer
...Dear God,
Here is a list of a few of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the smell.
3. The sofa is not a face towel.
4. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
5. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
April fool
Welcome to my page
Diet to Start the New Year
Diet.....
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!
BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)Stressed - Deserts
FINALLY REMEMBER:
"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".
Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kilograms.
IF you ignore this message you will gain 10 kilograms.
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!
BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)Stressed - Deserts
FINALLY REMEMBER:
"Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".
Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.
Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10 kilograms.
IF you ignore this message you will gain 10 kilograms.
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